Freedom?

I've been rereading Radclyffe Hall's 1920's lesbian classic, The Well of Loneliness, and came across this quote: "What a terrible thing could be freedom. Trees were free when they were uprooted by the wind; ships were free when torn from their moorings; men were free when they were cast out of their homes - free to starve, free to perish of cold and hunger..." This jaded view of freedom comes from the character's recent banishment by her mother from her childhood home after being outed and jilted by her female lover. Perhaps, too, she came to the realization that for all her longings to have the freedom and independence she perceived men to have, without a love to claim, a heart tethered to her heart, such freedom could only lead to abject poverty and death.

The first time I read The Well of Loneliness I had just moved in with my first partner and thought I'd be reaping of benefits of being claimed in partnership. It took me 20 years and several other lovers and one other partner to realize that I don't have the temperament for a lifetime of rooted-ness with one other. While I do enjoy the security of being claimed by another and I value monogamy, too much possession makes me itchy and claustrophobic, strangled and dismembered by the roots rather than feeling comfortable, secure and whole in the grounded-ness. I am fortunate to be in a relationship now that gives me plenty of room so that I can experience a balance of independence and dependence ~ interdependence, I suppose.

This same said balance is now appearing in my work life. Two years ago today I was cast out from a full time job with a steady pay check, health insurance, 401K, and evenings and weekends free for leisure. Yes, the security of the job afforded me freedom from worry about how I was going to pay my bills, freedom to play and travel, buy a kayak, season symphony tickets, and maybe a new pair of shoes; but what did that job's claim on my time, talents, energy, and imagination steal from me? It tethered my day, my freedom to dictate my time, to follow the thread of inspiration to joyous creation, to question, push boundaries, pursue higher purpose. Now, two years later, I barely pay the bills each month, but I do pay (and I also managed to pay off all credit card debt). I work twice as many hours, late into the night and every weekend for less pay. But I am valued for what I do and it's work that challenges me, stimulates, and engages. Where I used to hit the snooze button on the alarm, show up late to work, and often sleep in on the weekends until noon, now I wake every day without an alarm, sometimes as early as 6:00 a.m. I have not perished as a result of being torn from the moorings of that land-locked nonprofit - quite the opposite - this ship has set sail and is thriving in the open sea!