I'm reading The Active Life: A Spirituality of Work, Creativity, and Caring by Parker Palmer.
He speaks to me in many ways, but most acutely, I am drawn to his comments on how to show compassion and care.
"there is no "fix" for the person who suffers, only the slow and painful process of walking through the suffering to whatever lies on the other side...we learn that being there is the best we can do, being there not as cure but as companion to the person who suffers...There is no arm's length "solution" for suffering, and people who offer such only add to the pain. But there is comfort and even healing in the presence of people who know how to be with others, how to be fully there...I have experienced deep depression. Both times various friends tried to resuce me with well-intended encouragement and advice: "Get outside and enjoy the sunshine," or "You have such a good life -why be depressed?" or "I know a book that might really help you." For all their good intentions, these friends made me even more depressed...Their advice served only to distance them from me, leaving me even more isolated. In fact, distancing ourselves from each other's pain is the hidden agenda behind most of our efforts to "fix" each other with advice. If you take my advice, and do it right, you will get well and I will be off the hook. But if you do not follow my advice...I am off the hook nonetheless: I have done the best I could, and your continued suffering is clearly your fault. By trying to fix you with advice, rather than simply suffering with you, I hold myself away from your pain."
Com-passion,
sit with me
hold my hand
and do not
wipe away my tears.
Thanks for posting this, and for sharing it with me the other day...
ReplyDeleteWith you in spirit, my Friend.
ReplyDelete-M
Because I also suffer with depression, I feel like it's a two-way street. I need encouragement to get outside, and I'll do it more willingly if you get outside with me. On the other hand, it is not my friends' jobs to "fix" me, especially when they cannot understand the problem.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that really worked was *forcing* myself to get up, *forcing* myself to get outside, and working up a sweat now and again. Yay, endorphins!
The more I took care of myself, the more people wanted to be around me. It is true that when I was alone, I thought I needed friends, but at the same time, nothing that was wrong was something they could help. Instead of getting emotional support, I was *giving* emotional instability. Figuring that out was transformative (is that a word?).
On my own journey, the best thing has been a medication that works, an awareness of when I'm not doing well, and a partner that can tell the difference between situations that she can help with and the ones where I'm clearly on my own. I know this is a novel for a short space, but I thought common ground was worth commenting on... and yes, I will end that sentence with a preposition.